Stay At Home Mom Depression – Inside: Housewife depression is real, but rarely talked about. Here’s how one mom chose to fight it.
Most of the good days outweigh the bad days. Most stay-at-home moms I know are incredibly grateful for the privilege of doing something not everyone gets to do, especially since it seems like more and more moms are trying to figure out how to stay at home, too.
Stay At Home Mom Depression
A good night’s sleep can often cure everything…except when it can’t. And this is when housewife depression becomes very real.
How Stay At Home Moms Can Cope With Depression — Elisha S Lee, Lpc
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Sometimes you have bad day after bad day and one day you wake up and realize you are in a serious funk. You’ve become a walking, talking, real-life Eeyore, and it seems nothing can shake that. You hesitate to call it housewife depression.
You can’t seem to find the bright side of anything, no other side of the coin, no silver lining.
You are tired: tired of washing endless wet sheets, changing countless diapers, correcting bad behavior, washing the same dishes over and over again.
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You feel like you’re living in the movie Groundhog’s Day, but it feels much more monotonous and mundane than Bill Murray day in and day out (he actually had to drink a cup of hot coffee every day while it was running).
Your housewife’s depression begins to affect your entire household. It sucks the happiness out of your children, your husband and especially you.
I once heard someone say that a mother is the barometer of her home: she sets the tone and atmosphere. Try as we might, when we are sad it is impossible NOT to affect our family as well. They find it even when we try to hide it.
I sat there a few weeks ago. And I can’t bring myself to call it depression, because I’m sure that for people who suffer from severe depression, what I’m experiencing is absolutely nothing.
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Sick kids, dishes piling up, unexpected purchases draining our bank accounts. So many arguments about the basics: what food to cook, how to deal with behavior problem number nine hundred and nine, who is going to change the next diaper.
My husband really began to believe that he had to go to work every day of the week, convinced that his presence on the two extra days constantly overwhelmed me. Although I argued that this was not true, I completely understood why he felt this way.
Again and again, until I was out of breath, I poured out my mistress’ complaints to my husband.
How I don’t know what to do about this parenting thing or about food or how to deal with the never ending pile of mess in our house (I thought I did many times!).
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No matter what I said, he couldn’t understand it – at least nothing he said could ease my depressed feelings.
Finally, I threw up my hands and left the room: I was going to try to make a small dent in the pile of dirty dishes that threatened to take up permanent residence on every table in our small kitchen.
Frustration quickly turned to overwhelming guilt, guilt that my constant unhappiness had destroyed the haven I so dearly wanted.
And why is it that when we moms feel this way, we think we’re the only ones? Are we the only unhappy mothers who can’t get our act together? Don’t know how to do what we think other moms do so easily?
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My 7-year-old daughter tentatively crawled to the side of the kitchen sink and began emptying the dishwasher.
“I want my mom to be happy. If I help with the dishes, will mom be happy?” he asked in a low voice.
How I want to be happy. I wanted the deep happiness I needed, but it felt so out of reach. I try to be grateful, something that has worked in the past. I say all the things I have to be thankful for.
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I went over the list over and over in my mind, but it didn’t help. What I wanted in my head to be the truth could not penetrate the feeling of overwhelm and unhappiness in my heart.
After many fruitless conversations with my husband and close friends, I finally gave up. I vowed to keep quiet, not to mention my negative thoughts out loud to anyone. If it wreaks havoc in my house, I have to keep it inside.
But for an external processor, having everything on it doesn’t work. We desperately need this verbal outlet, a way to make sense of the jumbled thoughts swirling around in our minds.
Update: If you struggle with depression and can’t seem to shake it, ask your doctor and/or therapist for help
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That evening the house was quiet, the dishes finally done, my eyes fell on my abandoned diary. It’s gathering dust on the shelf: I didn’t have time to write a diary today. There are dishes to be finished, diapers to be changed, mouths to be fed, clothes to be washed.
I dusted off the cover and slowly turned the page. My last real post (more than a few sentences) was in March. I’ve used journals for many things over the years: praying, writing down the highlights of the day, making lists of things to be thankful for.
I have an idea. I promised myself that I could vent my negativity, but only in the pages of a journal. If I feel negative during the day, I can stop and write it down in a journal or wait to write it later in the day.
However, negative things must be recorded in the diary. All the dark thoughts caused by the housewife’s depression were poured into a diary.
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Amazingly, this simple promise broke my long negative attitude. I poured it all out one evening: every bad thought (that you don’t want others to read) appeared on the pages of the diary without holding anything back.
The next day, when life was crazy again and the negative, disturbing thoughts threatened to arise in my children, I remembered my promise. By the grace of God, my lips remained tight and I told myself to wait until later. Save it for a journal.
Later that day, it didn’t seem so urgent anymore. The depression went away after I refused to give in to what my screaming emotions wanted. I made the hardest choice now: wait.
Isn’t it funny how we get so frustrated with our children because of their lack of self-control? Self-control is actually very difficult, even as an adult.
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What housewives do with the constant, endless stream of dishes, laundry, cleaning, and gentle (or not so gentle) corrections and instruction can sometimes feel overwhelming. Add to that the hormonal roller coaster of pregnancy/nursing and the tension we go through as a single incomer and I guarantee there will be similar bad times in the future.
We hesitate to use such a strong term: housewife depression. Again a fatal comparison. There are other people who are much more depressed than I am, who do not go away easily.
What is the difference between transient depression and clinical depression? I do not know. Fortunately, I have never experienced clinical depression (at least I didn’t know that) and I applaud those who do.
At first I called it “negative”, but it’s actually much stronger than that. Calling it depression justifies your struggle, especially when you know other people are going through the same thing.
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Thanks to Google (what would we do without Google?) I know I’m not alone. Other moms want to know you’re not alone is a gift I give back to you, dear reader.
If you reach the point where depression has outgrown these remedies, seek professional help. I agree with that and encourage you to seek treatment if your depression doesn’t go away no matter what you try.
For me, when these negative thoughts come, when they pour in with a dam ready to break and turn my home into a place no one wants to be, I know what I want to try first.
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My Experience With Stay At Home Mom Depression
Being a housewife has many advantages, but the job – yes, being a housewife is definitely a job – can be demanding, lonely and isolating, and some women even feel that they have lost their sense of identity. Sometimes being a housewife is even associated with depression. Studies show that depression is more serious